FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA, AMERICA – Hospitals and clinics across this great land of ours will be using special Pyxis machines to dispense American flags and flair to all patients hospitalized and all health care personnel working today in order to ensure everyone has the chance to celebrate this year’s Independence Day.
“Who on earth wants medications out of their Pyxis on the Fourth of July when we can have flags and miniature versions of the Statue of Liberty?” said U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. “Today is about getting into the spirit of things. This is America, damn it, and everyone gets a chance to celebrate!”
The special Pyxis will not be filled or fitted with medications, but instead everything you can possibly think of red, white, and blue: American flags large and small, wrist bands, jerseys, shorts, socks, you name it. It’ll even carry bald eagles and fireworks.
“Check out this bald eagle!” shouted an ecstatic floor nurse Alexandra Hamilton, America’s symbol perched strongly on her shoulder. “I was bummed to come to work, but now I have a bald eagle looking after me. Talk about a boost in morale!”
No special ID or code is needed to access these Pyxis machines. This is an important change from beta models in which a valid birth certificate and passport were required to access the Pyxis. For this Independence Day, all you have to do is chant “U.S.A!” once or sing a lyric to any patriotic tune and the new Pyxis is yours to enjoy.
“I sang to the Pyxis ‘Oh beautiful, for spacious skies,’ and now I have these awesome stars & stripes hospital gown,” said patient Frank Scott Keene. “I even got star-spangled socks to match. I love this hospital! And more importantly, I love this country!” Keene was put into such a good mood that he accidentally ordered “amber waves of grain” and “fruited plains” for lunch.