hipster beard super bacteria

Super Bacteria Found In Hipster’s Beard, Also Has Beard

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WILLIAMSBURG, NY – A local area hospital recently broke the news that a highly drug-resistant bacterial species was isolated from a man’s beard. The source, presumed to be patient zero, was identified as a 26-year-old male native of Brooklyn who was brought to the hospital by local police.

hipster beard super bacteria
Photo of hipster patient zero prior to hospitalization

“He was yelling at someone just outside a Whole Foods,” stated one of the officers. “Something about chia seeds and coconut oil. He was weirdly combative and smelled of smoke and cloves, so we brought him here.” The officer added, “We’re seeing a lot more homeless people like this around Whole Foods lately, and I’m not sure why.”

Microbiologists have identified the beard-isolate as a highly-resistant variant Yersina pestis. “I’m not quite sure what we’re dealing with here,” one exasperated Microbiologist commented. “It didn’t even grow on any standard plates. Then someone had the bright idea of trying a plate mixed with kale and kombucha, and for some reason that worked. That makes no sense!”

Meanwhile, hospital epidemiologists and infection control staff are frantic in trying to determine the next steps to take. “It’s possible that, whatever this is, it’s already endemic in all of Brooklyn,” mentioned one epidemiologist. “We saw something similar a few months ago with pubic lice that was isolated from another homeless man’s hair. He kept yelling at us not to sample his man bun, whatever that means. Honestly, I fear for my own health in these parts.”

The patient could not be reached for comments in his isolation unit. Staff report, however, that he threatened to leave AMA upon learning that the hospital turkey sandwiches were neither “sustainable” nor “locally sourced.”

UPDATE: Microbiologists report that the simple combination of soap and water has proven to be highly bactericidal.

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