CHICAGO, IL – Hospital administrators are looking to tighten the pursestrings some more as they look to replace colonoscopes with plastic reachers & grabbers from Home Depot. Gastroenterologists are up in arms.
“I can’t use this!” exclaimed gastroenterologist Mara Ann Richter, as she plays with her 32-inch PikStik Pro Grabber plastic reachers. “You expect me to stick this up a patient’s rectum and biopsy polyps? Sure it’s lightweight and comfortable, but are these guys nuts?”
Administrators say that each colonoscope costs tens of thousands of dollars, whereas plastic reachers and grabbers at Home Depot range only from $12 to $40. “Talk about savings!” said excited administrator Christian Blacksuit. He tones down his excitement as he understands the change isn’t going to be easy. “There’s going to be some blowback from this initially, of course, I get that,” said Blacksuit. “But seriously, do you really need a camera, lights, lasers, and all those other bells and whistles to perform a routine colonoscopy?”
“YES!!!” replied Richter in response to Blacksuit’s question.
Plastic reachers and grabbers are ideal for people with limited range of motion or difficult bending. They’re also extremely useful for picking up things that could pose danger to one’s hands, such as broken glass. Never have they been used in the hospital setting. Administrators believe that they’ve been underutilized and produce a unique opportunity for cost-savings.
“Not only are they perfect for objects as small as a penny and as large as a soda bottle,” said Blacksuit, “but they are also perfect for objects in the intestine as small as a polyp and as large as a obstructing cancerous mass.”
GomerBlog tried to reach Richter for further comment, but she was “on a mission” to shove her new plastic reacher up Blacksuit’s butt and see how much he likes it. “The sad part is,” added Richter, “I bet he will like it.”