NEW YORK, NY – At 8:35 AM this morning, patient Philip Kruger showed up to his primary care clinic appointment with his medications stuffed into a crumpled McDonald’s bag, leading his primary care physician Angela Balewa to believe one thing: he must be compliant.

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“Mr. Kruger, there’s a McNugget in your lisinopril bottle. But you’re taking your meds, right?”

“This McDonald’s bag tells me a lot of information about Mr. Kruger,” explained Balewa as she gestured towards Kruger and began surveying the white bag, nearly transparent due its being soaked in oil.  “It tell me he’s practical, using this bag as a vehicle to carry his medications to make my job easier.  It shows me commitment: the bag is a daily reminder for Mr. Kruger not to eat at fast-food establishments.  Isn’t that right, Mr. Kruger?  I mean, who else would actually walk in here with their meds in a McDonald’s bag!”  Balewa laughs uncontrollably.

“Uhhhh, right,” replied Kruger, chuckling awkwardly as Gomerblog observed the encounter.  He coughs up a French fry, which lands on his belly and subsequently eats.  He wears a smirk like someone who tells a dentist that he’s been brushing twice a day since the last visit but in actuality only brushed his teeth vigorously and repeatedly that morning in the great hope that it will cover up the guilt.  “I’m taking all of them, you betcha!”

Balewa takes Kruger’s blood pressure, finds it elevated at 172/99.  “Strange!” Balewa admits.  After doing the calculation, Balewa finds that his BMI has crossed over from 34.9 to 36.6.  Lab work reveals a bump in LFTs, LDL, and triglycerides.  “That’s so weird,” said Balewa, scratching her head over these suboptimal numbers.  “It just doesn’t add up.  I swore that McDonald’s bag meant good news!”

Balewa goes through the McDonald’s bag, noting medication bottles that look untouched and opened, as well as a receipt for the purchase of 20-piece Chicken McNuggets, two Quarter Pounders with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke at 7:46 PM last night.

Balewa smiles.  “Look at you, you ordered a Diet Coke!!!  I told you I was right.  Mr. Kruger, he’s the most compliant patient I’ve got.”  Gomerblog sat through the rest of Dr. Balewa’s patients that day.  Sadly, she was right.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.