IRVING, TX – Recognizing Black Friday not as the first day of the holiday shopping season but as a day to “kill each other over cheap, sh*tty TVs,” the American College of Emergency Physicians (ACEP) has called for the immediate renaming of the unofficial holiday to “Black & Blue Friday” or even “Bloody Friday.”
“The reality is that when you watch the news, you never hear about the great deals someone got,” explained ACEP President Joseph Marauder. “What you do hear about is how an angry f**king mob stampeded over innocent toddlers because there was a discount on batteries. Talk about battery.”
Already, several professional societies are backing ACEP, including the American Medical Association (AMA), American Trauma Society (ATS), and the American College of Surgeons (ACS). The American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons (AAOS), who also supports the statement, says hip and knee replacement surgeries spike as a result of “Black F**king Friday.”
Of note, “Black F**king Friday” is another name ACEP has considered.
According to Gomerblog’s senior Black Friday trauma surgeon, Becca Andrews, the deals aren’t ultimately worth it in the long run. “Sure, you may have saved $250 on that computer, but now you’re paying several-thousands of dollars in hospital bills because 48 people walked on your sternum and now your aorta needs repair.” Based on 2015 Black Friday numbers, millions of dollars in savings were offset by billions in Black Friday-related injuries.
By calling it “Black & Blue Friday” the day is more accurately named for the anti-Thanksgiving spirit of the day: injuring your fellow shopper, also known as “the enemy,” in order to save a few bucks on a holiday item that no one will ever use.
So what are the most common Black & Blue Friday injuries?
“Trampling thankfully is uncommon,” explained Andrews, “but the laundry list of other injuries is ridiculous. You’ll see a lot of punches to the face or purses to the face, kicks to the knees and crotch in both men and women. You’ll find impaled shopping carts. Eye gouging is popular, much to the chagrin of ophthalmologists. If things get heated in the children’s toy section, you may even see lightsabers… Well, let’s just say they get stuck in inappropriate places.”