WASHINGTON, DC – The Da Vinci Surgical Robot is proudly exercising his right to vote this Election Day, but here’s the problem: he’s slow as hell and is holding up the lines at his voting precinct in the DC area. According to sources on scene, he’s been at the voting booth at least 8 hours. Voters on line behind him are furious.
“Come on, you big hunk of metal, hurry up and vote!!” shouted Timothy Carver, who was forced to take a sick day because Da Vinci has been taking so long. “Geez, what a piece of junk! For the love of… I hope for patients’ and doctors’ sake he’s more useful in the hospital!”
In fact, medical personnel are excited to not have to view the overpriced, overrated monstrosity in their sights for the day, though they admit they had to move their white coats and black fleeces onto coat racks and the backs of chairs for a change.
Bystanders said that it took Da Vinci 45 minutes to produce his driver’s license. An attempt by Da Vinci to vote multiple times, one with each arm, was thwarted, as was his attempt to intimidate voters with his red eye. However, one volunteer, who caught a quick glimpse at Da Vinci’s voting form 7 hours into the process, said that despite the molasses-inspired movement “the circles were filled in perfectly.”
Voters continue to hold their breaths and hold their bladders as they hope Da Vinci finishes soon. However, there is one concern voters are trying to block out of their minds. “When you finish, you go towards the door and pick up an ‘I VOTED’ sticker,” explained Tabitha Jackson, who is ten spots behind Da Vinci on line. “There’s this fear Da Vinci will take hours to put on the sticker, all the while blocking the exit to this voting precinct.” Jackson added moments later: “F**K!!!”
One anonymous voter, who happens to be a nurse, has suggested that he’s giving Da Vinci 15 minutes before he pulls the plug. “Goodness, this thing makes the Pyxis look like man’s best friend.”