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P90X Kegel
“My anus is burning!!!!”

Pros / Tony Horton’s new P90X Kegel program can transform your pelvic floor muscles from flab to fab in just 90 days, curing incontinence for good and allowing you to laugh without pissing yourself just like the good ‘ole days.

Cons / Sexual partners may find your strengthened pelvic muscles very intimidating.

The One Liner / P90X Kegel Edition goes beast mode on those muscles that support your bladder, rectum, and uterus, finally freeing you from adult diapers.

American personal trainer Tony Horton transformed the fitness world when he released P90X back in 2003.  In fact, Sh*tbit and CrossSh*t owe their successes to him.  Though Horton released other iterations such as P90X2 and P90X3, the feedback from long-time fans was universal: what about our neglected levator ani muscles and urogenital diaphragm?

Horton listened.

Like his prior P90X systems, P90X Kegel Edition is a complete 90-day home fitness system designed to get your pelvic floor muscles better, stronger, and more flexible than ever by combining cardio, martial arts, and other disciplines with Kegels.

“Most doctors recommend tightening your pelvic floor muscles for five seconds at a time, maybe doing 10 repetitions and 3 sets a day,” explained Horton, who says his pelvic floor muscles have never been stronger or more nimble.  “With P90X Kegels we go extreme!  We tighten those muscles for 5 minutes a time, 100 repetitions, add cardio, pelvic pulls ups, even yoga until we’re bleeding from between our thighs, both men and women.  Oh it hurts but it hurts so good!”

“This really works,” said Melinda Jones, one of many P90X Kegel grads who can now crack walnuts and split logs with her thighs.  “I used to pee and poop every time I laughed or coughed.  Now my pelvic muscles are so toned, if I squeeze hard enough I can force urine out my nose if I wanted to.  If I wanted to.”

Several of us at Gomerblog used the program and we must say the results are striking.  However, be warned and be patient: sitting down or even taking a dump will be very painful for the first 2 months.  Unforeseen side effects in males and females include testicular cramping and labial cramping, respectively.  Push through and you’ll be rewarded.

According to Horton, he feels this is his best P90X product yet.  “If you don’t get the results you want, we’ll refund your money, no questions asked, and even send you a complimentary Foley catheter and diaper to say ‘Thank you’ giving us a try!”

P90X Kegel Edition is available for 3 payments of $49.99 or 1 payment of $699.99.  Please consult a medical professional before performing any pelvic activity.  Walnuts and logs not included.

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Product Review: Mattel’s Resuscitate Me Elmo
Product Review: Heartbeats by Dr. Dre Stethoscopes

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.