SANTA CRUZ, CA – The founders of CrossFit Greg Glassman and Lauren Jenai have announced the creation of a new strength and conditioning program to help patients improve their bowel fitness.  Dubbed CrossSh*t, it will undoubtedly be this season’s new intestinal craze.

CrossSh*t, bowels
“Oh yeah, my bowels are burning!!”

“What is CrossSh*t?” asked Glassman in the middle of a 50 butt-clench repetitions.  “It’s an effective way to sh*t.  Anyone can sh*t.  If I can sh*t, you can sh*t.”  Glassman describes CrossSh*t as a “high-intensity sh*tness program that combines a huge variety of functional movements and modalities – gymnastics, plyometrics, weight lifting, calisthenics, and definitely squats, lots and lots of squats – to optimize gastrointestinal performance.”

Ever since last winter’s record-breaking sales for Sh*tbit, more and more Americans are paying attention to their own bowels.  On top of that, they want to do more: they want to empower their bowels.

“CrossSh*t bathrooms will start popping up throughout the country by the dozens later this year,” said Jenai.  “We’ll give patients access to not only state-of-the-art equipment in the form of dumbbells gymnastic rings, pull-up bars, medicine balls, resistance bands, and jump ropes, but also cutting-edge toilet bowls, toilet paper, stool softeners, laxatives, and colonoscopes.  We’ll even have CrossSh*t gastroenterologists on site to answer any questions or perform a manual disimpaction if the need arises.  Why?  Because we care.”

Glassman and Jenai are confident that if CrossFit can build communities, so will CrossSh*t.  “Sometimes it’s hard to be motivated on your own,” said Jenai.  “The hardest part of sh*tting is getting started.  Sometimes you need someone encouraging you, sh*tting along beside you.  The camaraderie and competition will only bring people together and make going to bathroom fun again.”  Jenai does have one quick reminder to everyone: “Before you high five over your huge poop, please be sure to wash your hands.  Otherwise feces just ends up everywhere.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.