disposable colonoscope
“I asked for the disposable colonoscope, not this functional and fancy piece of crap!”

Pros / You don’t have to worry about those hard-to-remove stains like on reusable colonoscopes because the Melch Allyn Disposable Colonoscope can be thrown away after only one use.

Cons / Poor construction and rigid tubing means it frequently falls apart mid-colonoscopy or perforates the intestinal wall.  Prepare to become besties with General Surgery and the ICU.

The One Liner / The Melch Allyn Disposable Colonoscope is a welcome addition to a health care system that needs new ways to increase both costs and futility.

Maker of a disposable stethoscopes, Melch Allyn thought that there was an industry that could benefit from disposable technology: the endoscopy suite.  “Can you imagine all those routine colonoscopies and having to clean wash them over and over again?” asked Melch Allyn CEO Mel Allen.  “It can be cumbersome.”

What Allen believed was that a colonoscopy was too technically advanced for its own good.  “I felt this was an opportunity,” Allen explained.  “For half the price of a standard colonoscope, can we make a disposable colonoscope that is infinitely sh*ttier?”  Turns out the answer is yes.

Anyone who has ever handled a disposable stethoscope will feel at home with the new Melch Allyn Disposable Colonoscope.  It is made of 3 flimsy pieces of hideous yellow plastic.  If you blow on it, it’ll fall apart.  It has no light.  It doesn’t even have a camera.  What’s the purpose then?  Who knows!  But if we have disposable stethoscopes that serve no purpose, then we can surely have disposable colonoscopes that offer the same.

Is the disposable colonoscope flexible?  Of course not.  It’s unforgiving tubing means it can’t get through the sigmoid let alone the splenic flexure without perforating something.  So that’s bad news for gastroenterologists: no way to evaluate the transverse colon and ascending colon, and defintely not the cecum of ileocecal valve either.  What about the ability to biopsy or perform interventions like polypectomy or cautery?  Hahahahaha.  Hilarious.  And good luck catching any Pokémon!

So have we convinced you to buy one, or better, thousands of them since they’re disposable?  At nearly $6,000 a disposable colonoscope this epitomizes throwing money away.  One colon at a time.

Melch Allyn Disposable Colonoscopes is available only in Dark Dehydrated Yellow with a starting price of $5,999.99.  If you add any features (of which there are none), the maximum price is $8,999.99.  Please handle with care.  It’s truly a piece of sh*t.

Other GomerBlog reviews:
Children’s Book Review: Grace & Chase Tackle Acid-Base
Music Review: Radiohead’s Clinic A
Product Review: Heartbeats by Dr. Dre
Product Review: Mattel’s Resuscitate Me Elmo
Product Review: P90X Kegel Edition

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.