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PHILADELPHIA, PA – The Society of Hospital Medicine (SHM) has announced that effective January 1, 2017, the specialty known as Hospital Medicine will be renamed Placement Medicine in order to best reflect current practices.  The measure was approved unanimously last night.

placement medicine
Three patients who are so lucky to be placed

“Sure, Hospital Medicine earned its name because providers in the hospital cared for patients in the hospital,” explained Eleanor Burks, a spokesperson for SHM.  “But when you break it down, what happens after hospitalization?  Placement.  Nothing else.  Therein lies the fundamental truth.  Hospitalization is just a bridge to placement.”

According to a poll of hospitalists conducted by SHM earlier this year, 99.9% of patients end up being placed while only 0.1% of patients end up somewhere else, like home or another hospital.  However, there are hospitalists who believe a discharge home is just “placement in a house” and transfer to another hospital is just “placement in another hospital.”  According to these cases then, 100% of patient care is placement.

“I haven’t discharged a patient home in over 6 years,” said hospital medicine physician Raymond Meadows.  “You think I’m kidding, but have you seen the average patient who is admitted these days?  Everyone’s old, everyone has 10 problems, and everyone is on 20 medications.  You know what that’s a formula for?  Not home, I can tell you that.”

In fact, Stephen Hawking created the aforementioned formula in his latest book, A Brief History of Placement.  In it, he states the following: If age + number of medical problems + number of medications > 55, then placement is indicated.  In a simple mathematical formula, Hawking reduced health care to its core.  When put this way, hospitalists have no choice: they will cease to exist and placementologists will take their place.

“We’re going with Placement Medicine for now, but we do like the ring of Placementology,” added Burks.  “It makes placement sound like a science, which it isn’t.  It’s just a sh*t ton of paperwork and total dependence on social workers.”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.