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PHILADELPHIA, PA – The Society of Hospital Medicine (SHM) has announced a new multibillion-dollar PBP initiative, which stands for “Place, Baby, Place!”, with the ultimate goal of placing all 300 million Americans in nursing homes or rehabilitation facilities by the year 2020.

hospitalist place
“I know we just met, but have you picked a place yet?”

“This may seem like a gargantuan task, but we’re confident this is what we are doing on a yearly basis anyway,” said SHM spokesperson Nancy Offerman.  “We’re simply asking our hospitalists and social workers to unite and continue doing what they already do best, that’s all.  That’s what “Place, Baby, Place!” is all about: celebrating American health care at its finest.”

SHM leadership admits it is “aiming high” by targeting the placement of 200 million Americans in 2017 (Year 1), followed by the placement of only 50 million Americans in 2018 (Year 2) and 2019 (Year 3).  Though their Year 1 goal can be classified as a reach, SHM leaders believe that if they can even hit only 50% of their 2017 target (or 100 million Americans), keeping that pace for 3 years will essentially guarantee that every American will be in a post-acute care facility by 2020, after which hospitalists nationwide can retire and call it a career.

“You know what, there’s a new American Dream out there and it’s to find a place to go after your hospital stay,” said Offerman, tears welling in her eyes.  “America is about placement for all, independent of race, religion, or creed.  That’s the America I believe in and the America I know we can achieve.”

If the PBP initiative achieves it’s goal in 2020, what then?

“The next phase would be directly placing newborns into nursing homes, a new nursery-to-nursing home paradigm, with the hope of maybe phasing out hospitals entirely,” said Offerman.  “When you really break it down and answer that age-old question of what is the meaning of life, I’ll tell you what it is.  Waiting for placement.”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.