surgery not indicated

Surgeons Declare “Surgery Not Indicated in 2017”

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CHICAGO, IL – Close the operating rooms!  Surgeons worldwide have declared that “surgery is not indicated in 2017,” instead calling this upcoming year “the year of conservative management.”  This announcement comes after widespread concerns amongst surgical subspecialties about how often emergency and elective cases require surgical intervention.

surgery not indicated
“See you in 2018, team!”

‘All too often we’re too quick to just react and take a perforated viscus or life-threatening trauma to the operating room,” said President J. David Richardson of the American College of Surgeons (ACS).  “We took a look at the numbers in 2016, met as a board, and decided that it’s best to take a step back as a specialty in 2017.  No operations.  No ifs ands or buts.”

Many if not all of the other major surgical professional organizations agree with Richardson’s statement.  Later today, a joint statement signed by the American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons, American Academy of Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery, and others will simply read: “To all of our emergency and medicine friends: Surgery is not indicated in 2017.  Continue conservative management.  You know, IVF fluids, bowel rest, meds, antibiotics, all that kind of stuff.  Will sign off.  Please call with any other questions.”

GomerBlog asked Richardson if this pan-surgical declaration was too extreme, considering that they are implementing a policy that essentially disregards a patient’s clinical presentation, to which Richardson responded, “Pish posh!  There’s no surgical condition that can’t be managed conservatively.”  He went on clarify later that “it may not be the right decision or standard of care, but it can still be managed conservatively.  We gotta let natural selection have a say once in a while.”

Medicine is bracing itself for a rough 2017.

“Well, since surgery is off the table this year, there’s really only one thing we can do,” explained Society of Hospital Medicine spokesperson Nancy Offerman.  “Place everyone.  It’s what we do best.”

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