medical researcher

Author Concludes “No Further Studies Necessary”

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BOSTON, MA – In a striking bout of confidence, Dr. Jannek Nusenbaum, MD, PhD recently concluded in the New England Journal of Medicine that “no more research was needed on the topic.”  In the end of year December 2016 issue, he boldly informed the world that “The Ca2+/protein kinase C-dependent pathway is responsible for exactly 80% of end-organ response in parasympathetic nervous system.”

medical researcherWe reached out to him to further clarify, during which he told us “There is no p value.  It’s a fact.  Move on…no more research is needed,” before dropping the mic and walking out of the room.

Ever since the age of Aristotle, scientists have avoided making absolute and unconditional statements, constantly living in a world of possibility and uncertainty.  But Nusenbaum seemed to think this way of thinking was limiting our potential and will soon become a relic of the past.  “Why walk around all the time not knowing the 100% truth?  F*** that,” he told us.  “I’m a black-and-white type of guy, not some sissy pseudoscientist.”

“Striking,” was the response from editor-in-chief Dr. Tomas Milarsovec.  “This is definitely a first in my fifteen years here.”  The groundbreaking publication has caused other leaders in the field to weigh in as well.  “I never really liked the guy but I never expected this,” said a former disgruntled colleague.  “A total (explicative) if you ask me.”

It has generally been customary for all conclusive statements in scientific literature to end with the mating call for more research in order to both deflect blame from the lack of detail in the original paper and artificially increase interest in the subject.

Nusenbaum, however, is the first to our knowledge to buck this trend.  It is currently not known what sort of effect this will have on the scientific or medical community as a whole. Certain prognosticators are already weighing in, predicting the first chest X-ray to state “clinical correlation is not needed” will come within a year.  Medicine may have entered a new age.

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