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PARIS, FRANCE – Gomerblog is ecstatic to report that a 16-French Foley catheter was successfully placed by a team of exactly 16 French health care providers earlier today at Hôpital Necker-Enfants Malades, a teaching hospital affiliated with the University of Paris Descartes.

16 French
“I’m one French guy, just need 15 more French people to place this catheter”

“It was a scramble to find exactly 16 French people to place this 16-French catheter, but we are thankful to have pulled it off,” explained French urologist Pascal Fournier.  “Or should I say, put it in!”  The Foley catheter was placed to help relieve a patient suffering from acute urinary retention.

Contrary to popular belief especially among American providers, the French scale or French gauge system does not indicate the outside diameter of a catheter.  Instead, it refers to the number of French health care professionals needed to place that sized catheter.  The larger the catheter, the more help you’ll need.  Obviously.

“We initially had 14 French urologists, nurses, and techs at bedside since we usually stock 14-French catheters on the floor,” explained Nurse Marie Rousseau.  “But when the only Foley we had was a 16 French, we desperately had to find two other people, French people.”  They almost had to abort the Foley placement when all they could turn up were 3 Germans, 2 Brits, 4 Swedes, and 3 Italians, but no other French people.

“Thankfully, 2 French nurses had returned to the unit, one from the cafeteria, another from the rest room,” expressed an enamored Fournier.  “With the appropriate staffing and 32 hands on this man’s crotch, we were able to place the catheter with ease.  Hopefully the gentleman doesn’t have blood clots and we don’t have to upsize it.  That would be so stressful.”

The patient has developed hematuria with large blood clots.  On behalf of the 16 French providers at bedside, Gomerblog is asking if there are 6 other French health care professionals who might be able to chip in so they can upsize to a 22-French triple-lumen and begin bladder irrigation.  They are desperate, so yes, medical students for once would count.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.