Nation’s Doctors Experiencing Intractable Nausea & Vomiting Due to House-Passed Health Care Bill

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WASHINGTON, DC – Gomerblog reports that our nation’s doctors have been experiencing intractable nausea and vomiting coupled with stomach upset immediately after the narrow passage of the latest version of the American Health Care Act (AHCA).  Symptom onset was paroxysmal, and doctors may need inpatient hospitalization.

“I’ve never had reflux before but this feels bad, really bad,” said American College of Physicians (ACP) president Dr. Jack Ende, as he regurgitates into an emesis basin in response to new headlines of the House-approved health care bill.  “I haven’t been able to tolerate liquids, solids, or politics.”

Shortly after the passage of the bill, the ACP, American Medical Association (AMA), and American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) released statements stating that they are heading to their closest emergency rooms for IV fluids and Zofran.  A whole lot of Zofran.  Maybe even some Reglan too.

“The nausea comes in waves, but is particularly bad when someone mentions loss of coverage for 24 million Americans, as well as patients with pre-existing conditions, mental health, maternity needs, or patients relying on Medicaid,” explained AAFP president Dr. John Meigs.  When we asked him if the AHCA upholds the principle of “first, do no harm,” Meigs rushed to the nearest garbage can to puke his brains out.

In other news the Department of Health of Human Services supports the passage of the AHCA, describing it as a “victory for the American people… as long as no one gets sick or requires health care access ever again.”  The nation’s doctors will likely remain NPO indefinitely.

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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