Study Finds Lack of Turkey Sandwiches Correlates with Rise of Death in the ER
CHICAGO, IL – In a new study done by the Patients For Turkey Sandwiches (PFTS), it is found that a lack of turkey sandwiches available in the ER raises risk of death post-cardiac arrest. PFTS analyzed over 100 code blue charts, and found that those who had a turkey sandwich prior to cardiac arrest had better outcomes post-resuscitation.
PFTS state that although the ER has turkey sandwiches in the fridge, it isn’t the staff’s priority when a patient is hungry. It appears that while many patients are demanding turkey sandwiches, the ER staff are not providing this need. Shockingly, it appears that some ER staff have even been seen eating the patient supply of sandwiches.
Gomerblog spoke to the chair of PFTS, Ima Starved on the study’s shocking findings. “These nurses and docs need to make sure we’re fed! Sometimes when I go in, I haven’t eaten all day! And I’m pretty sure I go into that hypo thing when my blood sugar is low!” When asked why he hadn’t eaten all day prior to coming to ER, Starved declined to comment.
PFTS hopes this study will shed light on a growing and deadly problem that plagues most ERs. “It’s about time we get our turkey sandwiches when we need them, next time I might even pass out if I don’t get one in time!” Starved stated as he brushes Cheeto dust off his chest.
PFTS also stated the study had early findings that suggest lack of ginger ale result in an even higher mortality rate, but these results still need to be studied further.