DALLAS, TX – DOA Hospital group in Frisco, Texas unveiled a new initiative in partnership with Wolfgang Puck to provide “therapeutic gastronomy” for ED patients at their hospitals.  These turkey-based sandwiches will combine mood-improving pharmaceuticals and the highest quality ingredients selected by Mr. Puck himself.

wolfgang turkey“We are excited about this initiative,” mumbled a spokeswoman for the hospital chain while scarfing down a sandwich.  “We foresee this taking our quality of patient care to the next level.”

Chef Puck’s personal favorite is a turkey sandwich served with goat cheese spread imbued with crushed Percocet tablets, called “Turkocet.”  One out of 10 of these offerings will come with a wrapper that could also be used as a work excuse.

Some other examples of turkey sandwiches in Chef Puck’s line will include a classic organic, free-range turkey preparation marinated in a balsamic vinegar, raspberry, and Valium glaze served on Kaiser rolls imported daily from Munich Germany.  A turkey, Swiss cheese, and avocado French dip with pesticide-free arugula, pickled daikon radish, and a “Ritalin au jus” will also be on the menu.

Future endeavors will involve a dessert line and a soup course featuring Chef Puck’s famous Dilaudid gazpacho or “Gazpachomorphone.”

In an unrelated story, DOA hospitals later this week will announce mass layoffs of nurses, doctors, housekeeping personnel, and a decrease in capital expenditures previously earmarked to replace the malfunctioning autoclave.  Despite this, DOA states that they expect Press Ganey scores to triple within a week thanks to the new initiative.  They also expect non-emergent ED visits to double around lunchtime for the foreseeable future.

Milli of Dilli
After picking up the basics of medicine by watching TV shows, I moved to LA, forged a medical school diploma, and somehow found some success in the late 80’s as an event physician for major Hollywood events. However, it all came crashing down while working the 1990 Grammy awards. While “Girl You Know it’s True” was being played live, a stagehand went into cardiac arrest and I was called upon to help. Unfortunately, as I tried to lip-sync CPR instructions, the speaker on my cassette player stopped working and I was exposed for a fraud. After serving time in prison, I went to medical school and residency and I finished training to become an Emergency Medicine physician. Instead of using this training and knowledge for good, I decided to abuse it to become a professional drug seeker. Armed with advanced medical knowledge, my quest remains to go from ED to ED searching out the drug seeker’s Holy Grail: syringes filled with 1mg of hydromorphone, the so-called “Milli of Dilli.” While I am not drug seeking, I have decided to write medical satire posing as a typical First World emergency physician. My website, with my other satirical articles that did not make it into Gomerblog, can be found at http://www.firstworldem.com and my twitter handle is @firstworldem