WASHINGTON, D.C. – Stating that he wanted to “give this pardon thing a test run… for no particular reason,” President of the United States Donald Trump announced today that he was utilizing his constitutional powers of pardon to immediately absolve Anesthesia of all alleged crimes past and present. Among the nefarious acts attributed to Anesthesia in the past were creating a disturbance leading to an injured passenger on United Airlines, mixing up envelopes causing Warren Beatty to announce the wrong Oscar for Best Picture, costing the Atlanta Falcons the Super Bowl, and basically being the go-to scapegoat for anytime someone is “in doubt” about who to blame for anything.
A senior administration official, John Miller, tells Gomerblog that Trump got the idea to pardon Anesthesia after reading in a previous Gomerblog article that Hillary Clinton had blamed Benghazi on Anesthesia. Miller went on to add that anything “Crooked Hillary” suggests must be FAKE NEWS so Trump decided this would be the perfect opportunity to “give his powers a whirl” and let Anesthesia completely off the hook.
Trump is looking into additional ways to help Anesthesia, such as allowing anesthesia attendings and CRNAs to take golf breaks in the middle of cases, providing a grant to install TVs showing Fox News 24/7 in the OR, and supplying all breakrooms with a lifetime supply of Trump Steaks.