Patient Discharged to Rehab to Acquire UTI

  • 881
patient UTI
“Hope that UTI comes back swiftly”

AUGUSTA, GA – Patient Larry Michelson is thrilled he will be going to subacute rehab today where, if everything goes according to plan, he will acquire a urinary tract infection (UTI) within the next 2 weeks and be promptly readmitted.

“Now that he is back to baseline – afebrile, coherent, and conversational – he’s ready to head back and get reinfected,” said Dr. Lauren Wilcox, the physician of record at August Medical Center, as she writes down the patient’s medical record number, something that will come in handy next week when Michelson returns.  “We can’t wait to have him back, combative and agitated.”

Wilcox added later: “The place he’s going to is the absolute best at sending patients back immediately, even if for no reason at all.”

Michelson’s family and medical team have agreed to leave his Foley catheter in place, along with some telemetry and central lines, for no reason whatsoever to help clinch the immediate bounce back.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

You May Also Like

strike 32 teeth

Strike! Anesthesia Knocks Out 32 Teeth in Masterful Display of Ineptitude

238SharesMINNEAPOLIS, MN – Anesthesiology resident Dr. Rex Fumblenuts performed the equivalent of a strike ...


Anesthesiologist Swallows Pride, Develops Small Bowel Obstruction

3.8KSharesTUCSON, AZ – According to local witnesses, Mercy Hospital anesthesiologist Henry Stutzman developed a ...

firework fireworks Katy Perry

Katy Perry Admits Her Song “Firework” is Really About Fireworks Safety

197SharesLOS ANGELES, CA – Thinking of no better time than the Fourth of July ...

kidney beanskidney beans

Nephrologist Feels Wrong Eating Bowl Full of Kidney Beans

1.6KSharesTAMPA, FL – Reluctantly bringing the spoon to his mouth after spending a few ...