General Surgery Intern Contaminates Sterile Field with Tears

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SAN DIEGO, CA – In what is believed to be a first-time occurrence, general surgery intern Crabby Boots cried during an open hernia repair and contaminated the sterile field with her lacrimal duct secretions.

“I said I was sorry, I don’t know what else Dr. Stackford wants from me,” Boots could be heard wailing as she ran from OR towards the intern lounge to seek consolation from her fellow interns.

“How the hell am I supposed to know the blood supply to the entire abdominal wall from the heart all the way to the skin cells? I’m still trying to figure out what the nurse with the Filipino accent is saying when she calls! I don’t know what a ‘fieber’ is or what to do about it besides play songs from gender fluid Canadian pop stars.”

When asked about the incident, Stackford dismissed it early entirely. “Interns always cry, it saves on irrigation fluid. Everyone knows intern tears are sterile. Everything sucks but the Neptune in internship. They all learn to deal with it eventually.”

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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