MIAMI, FL – A new and exciting boutique fitness club has sprung up in South Florida, and if initial trends hold, it will take the country by storm in the coming months. “RhabdoRage” takes the overwhelming popularity of CrossFit, IronTribe, and Orange Theory, but pushes the intensity even farther. Not only does RhabdoRage guarantee results for its members, it proves the results to them in real time, on-site at the gym.
Using brutal workouts which focus on high rep weightlifting combined with core strengthening, the “RhabdoRage” gyms are open air, which allows the high Florida temperatures and humidity to work some of the magic on club members. The key to an effective RhabdoRage workout is the induction of a state of severe muscle damage (rhabdomyolysis) during the workout, which proponents believe is actually the key to muscle growth. Members dead-lift, squat, burpee, and plank constantly for 30-minute intervals, and between each, they must submit a urine sample to analyze for the heme products which indicate significant muscle breakdown, or “rhabdo.”
RhabdoRagers continue 30-minute intervals of this pattern until heme products are detected in the urine. When this occurs, the athlete proceeds to the next stage outside the gym. This involves being thrown into an enclosure of live alligators and scaling the electric fence to achieve escape. If the participant is successful, he or she then heads to the recovery suite, where the on-site lab checks a renal function panel and creatine kinase (CK) levels. IV and oral fluids are provided, and hemodialysis can be performed if necessary.
Experienced RhabdoRager Brock Testosterman spoke with GomerBlog about his fitness obsession. “I still remember my first dialysis-inducing workout. I was amped on Monster and crushed it for an hour and half. Sidney the Gator came at me in the cage, but I bit him first as I was being electrocuted, and the current stopped him in his tracks. It was epic, bro.” Testosterman then showed off his collection of tribal tattoos, as well as the dialysis shunt in his left arm, which is reportedly the ultimate badge of honor for Ragers. “Life is about working hard, living clean, and being healthy, Bromo sapien.”