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Thank you for coming to my on-call birthday party I threw for myself, you’re definitely my favorite patient!

CHICAGO, IL – Absolutely convinced that there was no better way to spend this special day, on-call internal medicine physician Jack Romeo celebrated his 34th birthday with 17 of his closest patients at Northwestern Memorial Hospital today.

“Look, why would I want to be with my friends and family when I could be here,” Romeo detailed, barely audible over both chest compressions and the shouts for “More bicarb!” during a Code Blue.

Just then, his pager went off five times in succession, which he frantically read before wiping off the torrential downpour of sweat.

“No seriously,” he insisted, “there is no other place I’d rather be.”

Although Romeo really does appreciate the gesture, he’d prefer if everyone didn’t sing “Happy Birthday” or bestow gifts upon him later so he could instead focus his energy on powering through his 10 admission notes and scavenging for graham crackers since the cafeteria will be closed.

“But seriously guys, I mean it,” he added, while running to go pronounce yet another patient tonight, “this is the best birthday ever!”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.