ATLANTA, GA – In an effort to help reduce atmospheric carbon dioxide (CO2) levels, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) has issued a new recommendation that all Americans do their part to help the environment by ceasing all exhalation immediately.
“The main reason for exhalation is to rid the body of carbon dioxide, but where does that carbon dioxide go? Exactly, right into the atmosphere where it exacts its properties as a heat-trapping gas,” explained CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald in a exhalation-free explanation to Gomerblog reporters. “So it’s only wise that to save our planet Earth we need to stop exhaling.”
Moments later, Fitzgerald stayed true to her own advice and subsequently passed out.
The CDC is quick to point out that while exhalation should be avoided at all costs inhalation is perfectly okay and in fact encouraged. In fact, they point out the ideal breathing cycle should spend 100% of its time in the inhalation phase.
“When we inhale not only do we take in oxygen and allow our internal organs to function properly, we also remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere by bringing it into our own bodies,” explained CDC spokesperson Alex Parker in a slow-but-gradual deep breath in while standing over the twitching body of Fitzgerald. “Wow, isn’t humanity awesome? Talk about being selfless.”
The CDC says that if your body has the gall to exhale against your will to simply grab a paper bag, hold it over your mouth, and breathe in and out of it. That way, Earth won’t be penalized for your actions and the carbon dioxide circulates back into your body where it belongs.
“No doubt, it takes getting used to,” Park explained, struggling to continue coherently. “But once… once you do… you do…” Parker collapsed face-first, his fall broken by Fitzgerald’s already-prostrate body.