nice patient endangered species

Breaking: Nice Patients Added to Endangered Species List

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WASHINGTON, DC – In a move suggesting they are likely to become extinct unless something more is done to save them for future generations, the National Academy of Medicine (NAM; formerly known as the Institute of Medicine) has officially added nice and reasonable patients to the endangered species list.

nice patient endangered species
A rare nice patient FTW!

“This is a pivotal time in modern medicine, and we need to preserve these very rare and precious jewels, the patients who are not demanding and are, dare I say it, pleasant,” explained NAM spokesperson Joel Wallace, adding that if conservation laws are not enacted fast enough, reasonable patients will be assigned the most severe conservation status of “critically endangered” by 2019.  “Without them, health care professionals will have lost their last vestige of hope.”

According to health care professionals, reasonable patients (also known as lovely folks or nice people) are the one thing that pushes them to tolerate all the nonsense sadly pervasive in modern medicine.  The population of reasonable patients in the United States has reached a low of 2,152, according to the National Patient Service (NPS).

Burnout would reach 100% within a matter of minutes if not for these super gracious patients,” said burnout specialist Dr. Kevin Pho of KevinMD, pointing out that he sees nice patients maybe once every leap year.  “That’s all we have left.  Fighting for those nice folks, that’s what keeps us in the game.”

Several medical associations – the American Medical Association (AMA), the American College of Physicians (ACP), the American College of Surgeons (ACP), and the Accreditation Council for Graduate Medical Education (ACGME), to name a few – are lobbying Congress to add reasonable patients to the Endangered Species Act so that they may gain federal protections.

“If we can help this dwindling population of ‘really swell chaps and ladies’ again, it would undoubtedly become one of America’s great conservation successes,” added Wallace.  “Heck, if our patient census can reach an average of three normal patients for every twenty, I’d call that a major victory.”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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