CDC headquarters, ignore, sit-up, sit-ups, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation, baseline, Vaseline, scabies

CDC Announces Mandatory Journal Club on Vaccines for All Americans

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ATLANTA, GA – The Centers for Disease Control announced in a press release today that they would be holding a mandatory journal club about vaccines.  The anti-vax movement has continued to gain steam since The Lancet published a deeply-flawed article purporting a correlation between vaccines and autism.  After years of combating vaccine misinformation, the nation’s foremost authority on infectious disease has had enough.

CDC headquarters, ignore, anti-vaxxer cooties, pictures 2,300 words, eat sh*t and die, hypodermic needles, bed bugs, vanco, Zosyn, Lego, flu shot, exhalation

“Ok, that’s it!” screamed CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald after hearing about another measles outbreak caused by an unvaccinated child.  “We’re having a mandatory journal club.  This is ridiculous.”

This is the first known mandatory journal club in human history.  The nationwide journal club will occur January 3 and go over roughly 8,000 peer-reviewed articles on the benefits of vaccines.  It will be hosted by a polio survivor in an iron lung, and free pizza will be served.  Accommodating 320 million people at a single meeting will surely be a logistical nightmare, but Fitzgerald isn’t concerned.  “We’ve got to do something.  My house will fit about fifty.  We’ll start there and figure out the rest later.”

Officials anticipate that many anti-vaxxers will not be taking the journal club seriously and may not read any of the thousands of articles that will be covered.  “We’re all adults, we expect people to come prepared, but I’m sure a few will blow it off,” stated Fitzgerald.

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