Costco to Offer Family Medicine Residency at Stores Nationwide

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ISSAQUAH, WA – In an effort to expand services to include comprehensive health care, wholesale giant Costco recently announced plans to allow customers to enroll in its family medicine residency program at each one of its 5,000 stores nationwide. The move is a natural progression for the mega-retailer, which already provides its patrons with everything from food and household items to rental cars and life insurance.

“The idea kind of fell into our lap,” stated Craig Jelinek, President and CEO of Costco Wholesale Corporation. “Our cavernous stores are perfectly arranged to provide residents a well-rounded education in family medicine.”

When asked how he would ensure that residents received adequate education in specialty fields like obstetrics, Jelinek scoffed, “We have a huge baby section filled with 20-30 pregnant women at any given time. Roughly 2,500 women give birth while shopping at our stores every year. This is an incredible opportunity for our future residents!”

Costco is also well equipped to provide a difficult, albeit rewarding internal medicine experience. “If we had capable residents on hand, ready to run a code in our assorted meats aisle,” Jelinek explains, “Costco’s mortality rate would plummet.”

Jelinek’s vision might seem like a pipe dream to some, but to him, retail and residency complement each other perfectly. “Imagine a shopping experience where a physician vaccinates your 6-month old while you shop for waffles in bulk. Then you head over to the garden center to pick out hydrangeas while simultaneously receiving an annual physical complete with an ECG and cholesterol screen. Then, before heading home, you stop off at the Costco ICU in the frozen food section to check on grandpa who is recovering from a heart attack suffered after being lost for hours in one of our massive, top-rated Costco stores. That’s the future I see.”

Interested individuals can enroll in the Costco Family Medicine Residency Program by filling out an application at the customer service desk at a Costco near you. For a limited time only, customers can also purchase a platinum membership, which provides unlimited access to the residency program in addition to big, big savings!

  • Dr. Glaucomflecken

    Following a successful career as a doctor impersonator, Dr. Glaucomflecken decided to attend a real, accredited medical school and residency program. Now he spends his time treating eyeballs, occasionally forgetting that they belong to an actual human body. Dr. Glaucomflecken specializes in knowing where to look when talking to somebody with a lazy eye. He started writing for GomerBlog after being told to “publish or perish.” Follow me on Twitter @DGlaucomflecken

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