CAPE VERDE – The National Hurricane Center has detected the most powerful hurricane just yet. Named Hurricane JCAHO, the projected Category 5 Cape Verde hurricane is expected to make landfall at American health care facilities this coming weekend with the potential to destroy all open beverage containers in its wake.
“Gusts of up to 190 miles per hour are expected to obliterate any cups of coffee and other open beverage containers from the nurses stations of Miami, Florida to the intensive care units of Boston, Massachusetts,” explained CNN meteorologist Chad Myers. “Health care professionals are at high risk of injury from dangerous projectiles, things like cup holders, coffee lids, and koozies. Definitely beware the koozies! So pack your things, evacuate the East coast, and get to safety!” Myers also warned of life-threatening paper cuts that could be suffered as a result of projectile patient satisfaction surveys.
Unfortunately, Operation Temporary Change, the usual defense against the Joint Commission and all its variants, is not structurally sound enough to withstand anything more powerful than Category 3 hurricane winds, which is why both local meteorologists and the National Hurricane Center recommend evacuation.
If that wasn’t enough, meteorologists also warn health care professionals along the East coast of a potential 8-foot storm surge of alcohol-based foam as a result of the powerful forces of Hurricane JCAHO.
“This is going to be one helluva storm,” hospitalist Maria Winters explained towards Gomerblog, as she packs up her personal belongings. She plans to seek safety with cousins in San Francisco. “You never want to be in the direct path of the eye of any storm, let alone that of the Joint Commission’s. Heed everyone’s warnings, be smart, and save yourselves!”