millennial

Millennial Woman Admitted to Millennial ICU Because She “Can’t Even”

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TAMPA, FL – Missy Howell, a 25-year-old from the suburbs was recently rushed to St. Felicia Medical Center by friends after an acute episode of being unable “to even.”  Friends recounted the episode in which Missy tried in vain to get the perfect Instagram selfie.

millennialShe took nearly 30 pictures to capture a smile without wrinkles, all the while trying to hide her deep insecurity so her friends would think she has it all together.  Once the picture was taken, she couldn’t find the perfect filter.  Finally, the last straw was when the free WiFi cut out.

“Ugh, I just…I just can’t even,” the exasperated Missy said.  She suddenly became unable to move or make expressions with her face according to friends.  Her worried friends took her to the St. Felicia ER for evaluation.  Missy began crying in the car on the way there, saying her life was ruined and it isn’t fair that she has it so hard.

In the ED, staff rushed her back to a room ahead of suspected stroke and chest pain patients due to the disruption from crying in the waiting room.  “Being unable to ‘even’ is a growing problem, primarily with young upper middle class women,” remarked emergency medicine physician Brianna Sanders.  “First-world problems like social media pictures that do not get enough likes and comments, mentions of student loan debt, or having to wait two days for an Amazon Prime delivery can easily trigger a debilitating pseudo-catatonic state in these people that is difficult to treat.”

Missy was admitted to the MCU, the millennial care unit.  There, she was given a new pair of leggings instead of compression stockings, Ugg boots in place of nonslip socks, avocado toast in the morning, unlimited pumpkin spice lattes, professional makeup artists for hospital admission selfies, and Netflix access instead of basic cable TV.

Two days later Missy was stable enough to be discharged.  Follow-up orders included posting a positive online review and traveling to Europe on daddy’s money.  Missy is expected to make a full recovery.

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  • ED PAC

    I have been working in healthcare since 2008. I have vast clinical experience in retrieving blankets and pillows, counting respirations for a full minute, raising the head of the bed to exactly 30 degrees, scrubbing back in to surgery after touching something that isn't blue, and calling patients with positive STD tests. I am motivated by free food in the nurse's lounge, patients standing outside their rooms staring as I pass, and my student loan company. Someday I hope to write a prescription for common sense.

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