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NEW YORK, NY – The most important publication since the release of the Sepsis-3 guidelines, a multi-center trial led by a team of physicians at Cornell University published findings in the latest issue of JAMA that unequivocally shows avocado toast is superior to hydrocortisone in the treatment of septic shock.

avocado toast
Expect to spot this in crash carts in the near future

“We have the most definitive proof to date that avocado toast embodies clean living because it brought over a thousand patients back from the brink of death,” explained Cornell University critical care attending Dr. Erin Auerbach, who led the tasty and toasty study.  “The findings are not only historic but also oh so yummy.  I just posted a pic on Facebook.  Doesn’t it look so delish?!”

The birth of avocado toast is credited to Nolita restaurant Café Gitane, but its cult status is thanks to Gwyneth Paltrow, a proponent for healthy living who created a recipe for it in her cookbook “It’s All Good” in 2013.

“It’s intriguing how this trial came to being,” explained National Institutes of Health (NIH) avocado toastologist Dr. Steven Moravsky.  “Management at Café Gitane noticed that no customer suffered any morbidity or mortality if they had avocado toast.  When Gwyneth Paltrow came around describing this dish to ‘a favorite pair of jeans’ while we were studying skinny jeans in sepsis, we knew we had our next major trial on hand: hydrocortisone 50 mg q6hr vs. avocado toast 1 unit qAM.”

The study was halted early on since every avocado toast recipient became hemodynamically stable and were pulled off both vasopressor and ventilator support in less than 24 hours, with patients often demanding for some more delicious avocado toast the next morning.  Who can blame them?

“The key part of the study were the several arms: avocado alone, olive oil alone, chili flakes alone, and toast alone were not effective in the treatment of septic shock,” explained Moravsky.  “But put them together in a luxurious, Instagramable open-faced sandwich and – voila! – you have a 100% cure rate.  I imagine that if you take variants of avocado toast – ones with an egg on top, or tomatoes, or what have you – and extrapolate the data, it should confer immortality.  Now, who’s hungry?”

Auerbach is now recruiting patients to study the efficacy of avocado toast in the treatment of burnout in health care professionals.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.