Hospitalist Spends Day After Christmas Returning Unwanted Admissions

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MORGANTON, NC – Like most people in America, Dr. Lara Nottarg got some things for Christmas that she didn’t exactly want. Unlike most Americans, Dr. Nottarg was admitting patients on call at Boesler Memorial Hospital.

This morning while rounding, she realized that half of her patients didn’t need her services or meet inpatient medicine management criteria. Naturally she did what any good American does with unwanted Christmas “gifts”: she started returning them.

The alcoholic with no actual medical issues went back to ER bed 5.

The 23-year old with the tibia fracture and no PMHx went back to the Ortho service.

The 27-year-old suicidal woman transferred in with hyponatremia (sodium of 134) went back to the psych ward with her corrected sodium now at 135.

The grumpy 98-year-old incontinent DNR/DNI man went back to the nursing home he came from with a fresh Depends.

Asked what inspired her spree, Nottarg said she thought about a time when her grandma got her a Furby when she was a senior in college. “I returned it, got a new flask and never looked back.”

“If I wasn’t working today I’d be out returning unwanted Christmas gifts. So I figured why not bring a bit of the ‘after-Christmas spirit’ to Boesler Memorial?”

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  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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