Special Counsel Mueller to Question All Med Students on Interview Trail

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Robert Mueller indicts Anesthesia interview trail
I don’t care why you want to become a doctor, when were you last in Russia?

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In news which will make the already nerve-racking process of interviewing for residency positions for the 2018 Match that much worse, the office for special counsel Robert Mueller announced that it will be conducting interviews for all fourth-year medical students currently on the interview trail.

“The special counsel has expanded its mandate from the Justice Department to determine if any medical students have colluded not only with Russia but with any of the residency programs across the country in an attempt to influence the upcoming Match in 2018,” a spokesperson for Mueller told Gomerblog earlier this morning.  “We will not comment further on the issue.”

The interview trail is already an arduous process for fourth-year medical students as its riddled with numerous wintertime interviews, travel costs superimposed on medical student debt, not to mention the well-documented dangers such as dysentery and drowning while fording the river, all in the pursuit of what is more often than not a childhood dream of becoming a doctor.

Gomerblog has also learned that Mueller has been heavily scrutinizing each and every medical student’s curriculum (CV) and personal statement for the presence (or absence) of contacts with Russian individuals, including Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak.

“I was already nervous, but now to interview with Mueller, man oh man oh man,” said Johns Hopkins fourth-year medical student Felix Johnson, wringing his heads with sweat.  “I was preparing for questions like ‘Why internal medicine?’ or ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ not ‘Tell me about every Russian you’ve ever interacted with and why.’  F**k my life.”

Faculty advisors for interviewing medical students have already told them to prepare for the worst and assume further interviews to be conducted by both the House & Senate Intelligence Committees and both House & Senate Judiciary Committees.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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