Magic 8-Ball
Hospital staff finding the fortune-telling toy more useful than actual consults

NEW YORK, NY – “Will my patient need placement?” intern Jamie Dreessen asked the Magic 8-Ball, shaking it solidly for 15-seconds before placing it on the conference room table for all the members of her team to see.

IT IS DECIDEDLY SO, the Magic 8-Ball shot back.

“There you have it, 8 has spoken,” responded Lena Stankovich, the attending for the internal medicine teaching team.  “Consult social work.”

Stankovich and her team have dealt with wavering recommendations from numerous subspecialties so far this summer, likely a consequence of new interns, residents, fellows, and attendings having started the newest phase of their medical careers on July 1.  Stankovich felt it would be best to save themselves the time and energy, and consult something equally effective.

Behold the Magic 8-Ball.  Or 8, as the team calls it.

“Look, we realize 8 was marketed as a toy, for entertainment,” remarked Dreessen’s co-intern Timothy McDonough, momentarily sad because the Magic 8-Ball thinks it is VERY DOUBTFUL he’ll go to the bathroom today.  “But I gotta tell you: 8 hasn’t steered us wrong yet.”

Here are some of the questions and answers that took place during this morning’s productive morning rounds:

  • “Is this patient a drug seeker?” – WITHOUT A DOUBT
  • “How about this other one with the morphine allergy?” – IT IS CERTAIN
  • “Will I get a late admission?” – BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW
  • “Is this patient having real seizures?” – MY REPLY IS NO
  • “Will radiology get the CT done today?” – MY SOURCES SAY NO
  • “PE and GI bleed: rock and a hard place?” – AS I SEE IT, YES
  • Graham cracker for lunch again today?” – YOU MAY RELY ON IT
  • “How is my future as a physician?” – OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
  • “Was it a mistake working in health care?” – MOST LIKELY
  • “Any chance I’ll pay off my student loans before I die?” – DON’T COUNT ON IT
  • “Will I catch C. diff one day?” – SIGNS POINT TO YES

Sources close to Gomerblog believe that if the advice streak remains accurate for the upcoming month, the ACGME will consider replacing interns and residents with Magic 8-Balls.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.