NEW ORLEANS, LA – Tulane Medical Center has shut down the hospital after negotiations between the Emergency Room (ER) and Internal Medicine (IM) failed to reach an agreement on admission criteria before midnight.
The core of the debate centers around the ER demanding that IM admit all intoxicated patients into the hospital since they’re already in the hospital anyways. IM wants to install stricter screening to prevent drunks from getting into the hospital in the first place.
In the interim, all hospital admissions and activities to include elective cases have been suspended.
IM staff member John Greenwald explains his point of view. “Dr. Clerk is being a real asshat about this whole situation. If we could just keep the drunks out of the damn hospital, then I wouldn’t have to deal with them in the first place! This is our hospital, sober people were here first and we shouldn’t have to deal with these drunks coming in here and taking our beds! If they want to come into the hospital, they should find a path to sobriety and come in the right way!”
ER Department Head Della Clerk countered, “These drunks are just coming in here because they want a better life or at least a banana bag. Who are we to say that they should have to get sober first before coming in? We tried to pass an agreement that would have allowed elective surgeries to proceed, but Greenwald blocked it because he’s a giant dillhole. Yes, I said it, John Greenwald is a giant dillhole.”
Meanwhile Pediatrics just wants to see clinic and hand out suckers, stickers and vaccines, but due to the ongoing debate between the ER and IM, their funding has been slashed. “We have 0 suckers and 1 sticker but its N’Sync and no one wants that so basically we have 0 stickers. Hell, we’re even running out of character Band-Aids for vaccination owies!” explained pediatrician Bryan “Ironman” Tyler.
Hospital CEO Jack Cass MHA, BS, DB, POS, MIA reportedly had a proposal on his desk that both ER and IM had agreed upon only to reject it because it didn’t include sufficient kudos for the administrators.
At last check, Asshat Clerk and Dillhole Greenwald were seen arguing in the hallway both sides refusing to back down effectively holding the whole hospital hostage. The real victims are the primary care docs, both at Tulane and deployed to branch clinics around the area, who are being required to work during the shut down but likely will not get paid until the impasse has been resolved.
Ortho, meanwhile, just wants the OR Nurse to bring them a bigger mallet.