MRI scanner claustrophobia

Cooped Up MRI Machine Requests Ativan for Claustrophobia

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LOS ANGELES, CA – An MRI scanner that has been cooped up in the radiology department at Olive View-UCLA Medical Center for the past 5 years without seeing the light of day has reached its breaking point and just paged the doctor to see if he could get some intravenous (IV) Ativan.

MRI scanner claustrophobia
“Has the doctor called back? Did she write me for some Xanax or something?!  I don’t think I can do the next patient until I get something”

“Look, I see you guys give patients Ativan IV all the time because they’re claustrophobic before going into me, so can you please help a guy out?” Mitchell the MRI Machine asked the daytime hospitalist.  “It’s been half a decade and the whole time I’ve been in this dark, dank basement.  I haven’t seen the sun since the moments before I was installed into this godawful place.  I miss the sun.  It makes me happy.”

The hospitalist didn’t know the MRI had a name.  Or was fluent in the English language.  Or had emotions.  Or had IV access.

“I implore you, just this one-time dose is all I’m asking,” Mitchell continued.  “All these patients keep going in and out of me, sometimes on the weekends.  I feel violated.  I feel tired.  My nerves are on edge.  I haven’t gotten any rest and I think it’s finally gotten to me.  What d’ya say?”

The hospitalist obliged and Mitchell the MRI scanner was incredibly grateful.  Just before hanging up, a patient was wheeled into MRI and asked Mitchell if he could speak to the hospitalist too.

“Hey, Doc, it’s Mr. Jones,” he said to the hospitalist.  “Sorry to bother you, I’m down in MRI.  I forgot to mention I have terrible claustrophobia, the worst you’ve ever seen.  Can I get something, maybe some Xanax or Ativan?  Come on, what d’ya say?”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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