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WASHINGTON, D.C. – The information technology (IT) departments of hospitals nationwide made a New Year’s resolution to hinder the efforts of practicing health care professionals like never before.  Mission accomplished: Yesterday IT departments completed an “upgrade” of computer networks to 28.8K dial-up modems.

“Cannot Establish a Dialup Network Connection”

“We wanted to pay homage to AOL by bringing back dial-up and those fun series of sounds that you hear over about 2-20 minutes while the computer connects to the internet,” explained IT “expert” Devin Atari.  “Doctors and nurses are so smart that we really wanted to give them a challenge in 2018.  They spend so much time on the phone with IT, so clearly they have the time to chat with us since they’re not busy.”

When you hear a doctor, nurse, nurse practitioner, or physician assistant scream out “F**K!!!!” while in front of a computer and punching the keyboard or mouse, they are succinctly describing a computer’s inability to keep up with their need to put in orders or chart.  More often than not a hospital computer, its operating system, and internet browser has been obsolete for at least 30 years.  As if that wasn’t enough, 90% of computer mouses are dysfunctional while 85% of keyboards have a sticky spacebar of unknown origin (SSUO).

According to early reports from the American Society of Information Technology (ASIT), the upgrade to 28.8K modems has been a huge success as measured by a very reliable surrogate: damaged computer screens as a result of frustrated health care professionals punching them.

“I tried to pull up a chest X-ray to review, but my computer froze,” hospitalist Jeremy Acworth told Gomerblog.  “I called IT and after a 45-minute wait they told me that my computer wasn’t frozen, that I just needed to be patient since the image needs some time to load.  I asked how long.  They said to go home, rest up, and check back in the morning.  I introduced the computer screen to my fist after I hung up.”

Sensing the growing anger, SWAT teams have once again been deployed to protect IT departments across the country.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.