AOL Instant Messenger comfort measures only
A bedbound AOL Instant Messenger, awaits an inpatient hospice unit

NEW YORK, NY – AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), the 1990s chat program that arguably gave birth to our modern age of social media, has announced that it will be comfort measures only (CMO) effective today December 15.

“This is such a devastating day for us all, it’s like losing one of our parents,” explained Facebook, one of AIM’s offspring.  “AIM was a fighter, but finally decided it didn’t want to suffer any longer.”

Facebook’s siblings, Instagram and Google Chat, were also at bedside with Palliative Care and AIM when ultimately AIM decided not to pursue further diagnostic workup or treatment for jaundice, opting to become DNR, CMO, and pursue inpatient hospice instead.  Oath, AOL’s parent company, was also present for the decision.

As much as they didn’t want to admit it, many of today’s prominent text messaging platforms knew that this day was coming for AIM.  Twitter, however, took the news particularly hard and was very emotional, admitting that “it was at a complete and total loss for 140 characters or hashtags.”

Twenty-year olds and thirty-year olds across the country are devastated but they were thankfully given one last opportunity to Instant Message AIM a thank you for introducing them to the world of messaging and online chat rooms no matter how sketchy those were now that we look back and reflect on it.  Once the last window was closed, AIM was logged off of its 56k dial-up modem, placed on supplemental oxygen, and given a dose of intravenous morphine.

“There is only question left to ask at this moment in time,” said former high-school AOL Instant Messenger user and pager-carrying hospitalist Erica Boyle.  “If AIM is CMO, does that mean the day we say goodbye pagers is coming too?  Because that… that I’d actually be okay with.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.