TOWSON, MD – Unable to hold back the tears welling up in his eyes since he learned of the heartbreaking news, internal medicine attending Gary Buxton was inconsolable at the nurses station over the loss of his absolute favorite pen.
“Do you… know… who… gave me… that pen?” Buxton asked in words interrupted by sniffles and gasps to those in the immediate vicinity. “Actually… I don’t… remember, but that was the best pen ever. Ever! Say it isn’t so! Why me?!”
Buxton loaned the G.O.A.T. pen to one of his interns, Elaine Morrow, earlier in the day. However, it was the stealthy undercover work of charge nurse Colleen Murphy that brought the shocking news to light: she saw Morrow freak out over misplacing the loaned pen. Unable to confront her attending, Morrow called jeopardy fearing the repercussions of losing her attending’s “most prized possession.”
“I loved that pen…” Buxton wallowed, head buried in his arms as he hunched over the nurse station. Murphy draped a blanket over the forlorn doctor and escorted him to a waiting area where a chaplain was ready to provide prayer and comfort.
According to sources who know of Buxton’s affinity to his beloved writing instrument, it was a green pen with a yellow cap and black ink “borrowed” from a Nashville Hilton Garden Inn hotel room back in 2015, and reportedly the pen offered extreme “comfort,” tremendous “consistency,” and “no ink blots.”
With this loss, the current total of lost pens in the American health care system for 2017 stands at 999,367,482. Of that staggering total, 98% were considered a “favorite pen.”
In other news, nurse Kevin Wright slowly approached Buxton to let him know that one of his patients had just passed away. Buxton looked up at Wright, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Oh well, sh*t happens.”
Nursing staff will hold a memorial for Buxton’s lost pen this coming Sunday at 11 AM. Details to follow.