drunk texting

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to curb regret the morning after, the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (NASEM) recommends state governments immediately lower the blood-alcohol concentration (BAC) threshold for drunk texting from 0.08% to 0.05%.  Before the next happy hour if possible.

drunk texting
Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod

“Similar to operating a motor vehicle, a person’s ability to operate a smartphone becomes seriously impaired way before the 0.08% BAC cutoff is reached,” said National Academy of Science spokesperson Alicia Elyton, who can’t believe she drunk texted her ex-boyfriend last night.  “You ever scroll through your texts the next morning and think, ‘Oh geez,’ I can’t believe I sent that, and to my ex of all people!  Yeah, it’s to prevent this from ever happening again.  Gosh, I hope he just deletes that message.  I’m going to hide under a rock now.”

Depending on weight, sex, and eye color, a person could reach the lower 0.05% threshold in as few as two drinks.

“Two drinks?” asked National Academy of Medicine spokesperson Richard Light-Waits in disbelief.  “One beer and I find myself apologizing to my mother-in-law the next morning for all the awful things I texted the night before.  This recommendation is a really good one.”

“It’s one of the silent epidemics we don’t talk about, because it’s so embarrassing,” said U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams, looking at nine texts he sent while up late at the bar.  “Three were sent to a wrong number, five kept was me typing ‘I luv u’ over and over again, and in almost all the texts I kept using the phrase OMG.  I never use the phrase OMG.”

NASEM has been busy in 2018.  In January, they recommended lowering the BAC threshold for drunk driving from 0.08% to 0.05%.  Not be outdone, NASEM appears close to releasing new recommendations suggesting smartphones not be kept in a person’s back pocket in order to avoid unnecessary butt dialing.

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