DALLAS, TX – In an effort to increase transparency to its loyal customers, the beloved Brazilian steakhouse, Fogo de Chão, has announced it will rebrand and rename itself the more accurate Fogo de Gout.

“People come to our churrascaria to enjoy the meats we roast over an open fire and then to suffer acute gouty flares overnight,” explained Fogo de Gout spokesperson Julian Podagra, who happens to walk with a pronounced limp.  “We’re not hiding from the fact you’re coming here for meat overload, the meat sweats, and hyperuricemia.  Hey, you don’t happen to know a good rheumatologist, do you?”

Fogo de Gout is inspired by the Brazilian gaucho style of cooking different type of meats over an open flame.  Fogo de Gout has 35 locations throughout the United States.  The restaurant name literally translates into “fire of gout,” which makes sense to anyone who has ever experienced an episode of gout and the pain it can cause.

Though the options for meats, seafood, and side dishes will largely remain unchanged, the desserts will be designed with therapeutic benefit in mind.  For example, Papaya Cream will be replaced with Prednisone Cream, Creme Brûlée with Colchicine Brûlée, Turtle & New York-Style Cheesecake with Indomethacin Cheesecake, Caramelized Pineapple with Caramelized Allopurinol, and Key Lime Pie with Key Lime Probenecid.

Fogo de Gout will also increase the fleet of knee rollers and wheelchairs to help get customers out the door when their lower joints ultimately start getting inflamed.  They plan to kick hospitality up a notch by even arranging free transport to the closest emergency room (ER).

“We will remind all of our guests that nothing pairs better with our desserts than wearing some thick socks at night and a follow-up with your PCP to monitor serum uric acid levels,” proudly boasted Podagra, who is considering heading to the ER himself.  “No, seriously, you don’t know a single rheumatologist?”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.