WASHINGTON, D.C. – Citing the “baseless and anonymous attacks on my character” as well as intractable abdominal cramps, lacrimation, and rhinorrhea, White House physician Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson has announced he is withdrawing from both his nomination and opioids.
“I am regretfully withdrawing my nomination to be Secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs,” began Jackson before pausing to emit a 45-second yawn, which was shortly thereafter followed by a 30-second yawn and a paroxysm of sniffles. “Hey, anyone have a Kleenex? Ohhh, wow, check it out, guys, look at these goosebumps on my arms!”
Though he faced intense scrutiny since President Trump nominated him for the VA post, Jackson hasn’t been fazed thanks to a steady stream of oxycodone and alcohol coursing through his veins.
“When we’re done with this press conference, can anyone recommend a good methadone clinic in the area?” Jackson asked reporters, his pupils dilated enough for a wrecked government vehicle to fit through. He started shaking uncontrollably. “Is it freezing in here? Can someone turn up the heat? I’m shivering.”
He added moments later: “Cabinet withdrawal is pretty bad, but opioid withdrawal is the worst!”
Jackson’s Senate confirmation hearing was postponed not only on account of the allegations from 23 unnamed individuals questioning his professionalism while leading the White House medical unit, but also because Senate Veterans’ Affairs Committee members were frantically stocking up on Narcan (naloxone) should Jackson have overdosed mid-confirmation.
The VA Cabinet position has been vacant since Trump fired former VA Secretary David Shulkin earlier this year.
“One last thing: Does anyone know where Surgeon General [Jerome] Adams is at?” Jackson asked reporters at the close of his conference after a spasm of sneezes. “Any chance he might hook me up with a one-time dose of IV Dilaudid before I hit the road?”