transurethral resection of the colon

Urologist Performs World’s First Successful Transurethral Resection of the Colon

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CLEVELAND, OH – Renowned Cleveland Clinic urologist Dr. Jebron Lames has made history today by performing the world’s first successful transurethral resection of the colon (TURC).  The best part?  It was totally an accident.

transurethral resection of the colon
“An odd looking prostate, wouldn’t you say?”

“I’m not going to lie, I had consented the patient for a TURP or transurethral resection of the prostate, and I guess I missed,” commented Lames, who realized too late that it wasn’t fecal material in the prostate but the colon.  “I explained everything to the patient, who seemed to appreciate my honesty.  He even said, ‘Well, good, I hate colonoscopies anyway.’  Talk about being a good sport.”

Lames did send the resected sample to the lab in the event that he actually resected the prostate.

“Nope,” pathologist Dr. Devin Kurant emphatically told Lames, struggling to smuggle his laugh.  “This is most certainly not prostate.  What you got instead was five feet of colon.  And not just colon, healthy colon.  You got all of it.  How the hell did you pull that out through this poor man’s urethra?”

Much to the surprise of both Lames and Kurant, the patient is not septic and doing quite well.  Lames simply shrugged his shoulders.  “What are the chances the small bowel and anus just naturally anastomosed on its own?  Amazing.”

Lames admits that the Urology Department at Cleveland Clinic has been struggling ever since urologist Dr. Irving Kyrie left for Massachusetts General Hospital in the off-season.  “We certainly have had our struggles but we have to face the adversity.  We have to own up and be accountable: this was definitely Da Vinci’s fault.”  Root-cause analysis is underway to identify what went wrong in this TURC, but many do believe Lames’ theory is right.

The Da Vinci had been riding a wave of rare high praise ever since it was named Time’s Robot of the Year in the December 2017 issue.  It was bound to end sometime.

Gomerblog reached out to Da Vinci for comment.  He didn’t necessarily decline comment, he just simply took too long to give one.  We apologize that we weren’t patient enough, but we wanted to get home at a reasonable hour.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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