CLEVELAND, OH – Native son LeBron James and the Cavaliers have defeated the Golden State Warriors 93-89 in Game 7 of the 2016 NBA Finals, thus bringing Cleveland fans both their first major championship and their first major orgasm in 52 years. Cleveland welcomes the blood rush and euphoria.
“Ohhhhhhhhhhh… Just like that, LeBron…” collectively moaned the once flaccid people of Cleveland, as they wandered through the streets flushed, unclear what to do with themselves, possibly searching for a nap or cigarette. “Ahhhhhhhhhhh… Don’t stop, Lebron, don’t stop! This feels so good!!!”
Forget The Drive, The Shot, The Fumble, and The Decision. Enter The Orgasm.
“I came back home for one reason,” explained the Finals NVP LeBron James, “and that was to bring Cleveland fans their first orgasm in 5 decades. The fans of Cleveland have suffered long enough. I wanted them to climax. They wanted to climax. They deserved to climax. Cleveland, this is for you!”
According to polls conducted by GomerBlog, records numbers of Cleveland fans fornicated since the Cavs won their championship and in fact a high majority of women and men admitted to moaning King James’ name prior to coitus. Cleveland’s medical professionals are relieved the decades-long dry spell is over.
“My wife called me ‘LeBron’ last night and it inspired me to bring out a historic triple double of my own,” said diehard Cleveland sports fan Eric Moynahan, still perspiring from a heroic effort in bed. “Then when I called by wife ‘LeBron’ and even ‘Kyrie’… let’s just say it’s the best sex we’ve had in our lives.”
Experts believe LeBron’s legendary performance will lead to a near doubling of the Cleveland and Ohio population in about 9 months’ time.
Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about Oakland, where anhedonia is afflicting Warriors fans, who now wish to be left alone, telling their loved ones “Please, don’t touch me… Please, I just want to be alone.”