computer mouse

Cost-Cutting Savvy: IT Replacing Computer Mice with Real Mice

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LOS ANGELES, CA – Health care systems are always implementing innovative new ways to defray costs, and it turns out Los Angeles Medical Center (LAMC) has come up with the best idea yet, today announcing a plan to replace all malfunctioning computer mice with real live mice freshly caught on the hospital grounds. 

computer mouse
How do I scroll on this thing?

“If you ever think about it, when was the last time you came across a computer in the office or nurses station with a perfectly functional mouse?” asked Roberta Cohen, an information technologist in LAMC’s Department of Information Technology.  “You know what I’m talking about: one of the clickers is sticky, or the mouse just won’t track.  It’s about time they’re replaced.” 

Continual complaints over dysfunctional computer mice, broken keyboards, and outdated desktops have landed on the deaf ears of health care administrators for years, who are simply unwilling to invest in the resources for such a technological upgrade.  It was only until the recent uptick in rodent infestations that led to what administrators called “the most sensible solution.” 

“The plan effectively kills two birds with one stone: pest infestation and aging computer mice,” explained LAMC CEO Chaz Moneybags, whose own desktop features a gold computer non-rodent mouse with a diamond-encrusted scroll wheel.  “This is thinking outside of the box at its best.” 

Cohen and colleagues admit they have not yet figured out how to left click, right click, or scroll while palming a live rodent, or make its tail plug into a computer’s USB drive, but admit these are “minor obstacles.”  They do, however, recommend rabies vaccination prior to the handling of the new mice, and keeping cheese at safe distance. 

Assuming nothing short of complete success, Cohen anticipates replacing computer keyboards with random two-by-fours spotted in a random alleyway.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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