NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Despite stocks plummeting 11% after a Reuters report claimed the company knew asbestos has been in its baby powder for decades, Johnson & Johnson has doubled down by flooding stores & markets with their brand-new line of baby powder products containing 100% asbestos.
“There is so much asbestos now, it’s ridiculous, you’ll love it!” said Johnson & Johnson CEL Alex Gorsky.
According to sources, Gorsky insists the plunge of its stocks is related to Brexit and escalated tensions between China and the United States, not because of the presence of asbestos in its products or the fact asbestos is linked to several diseases including cancer.
“A little asbestos is good for you and your babies,” Gorsky explained, before being incapacitated by a five-minute paroxysmal coughing spell productive of blood. “And our asbestos baby powder is delicious as well. Definitely have a spoonful. Way better than apple sauce.”