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Ultra Breaking News: Patient Doesn’t Want Turkey Sandwich

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turkey sandwich haldol diets
But look at it?  How can you not want one?!

NORFOLK, VA – Gomerblog brings you a startling development: A patient hospitalized at an area hospital in Norfolk has caught his inpatient medical team off guard by stating he doesn’t want a turkey sandwich despite the fact he is both hungry and famished.

“I haven’t eaten anything for a few hours now, but I’m not really in the mood for a turkey sandwich,” explained the very pleasant patient, 49-year-old Jerry Hammock, after his nurse offered him a turkey sandwich.

Nurse Erik Olsen was taken aback by Hammock’s response.  He immediately examined Hammock for any signs of head trauma.  Negative.  He immediately contacted the patient’s doctor, Dr. Olivia Draper, who appropriately initiated the work-up for altered mental status.

Patient denied any history of dementia or depression.  Patient was not on any sedating medications.  Neurologic exam was negative.  Psychiatric exam was unremarkable.  ECG did not show any signs of ischemia or infection.  CXR was negative.  Labs did not reveal evidence of hyponatremia, hypernatremia, uremia, acute liver failure, hypercalcemia, or diabetic ketoacidosis.  ABG did not note hypoxemia or hypercapnia.  Urine studies did not suggest UTI.  Urine drug screen was negative. Alcohol and acetaminophen levels were negative.  Influenza was negative.  CT head was negative.  MRI & MRA of the head and neck were negative.  LP was negative.  Repeat LP was negative.  A third LP was negative.  Repeat ABG still did not note hypoxemia or hypercapnia.  Rectal exam was unremarkable as was bone marrow biopsy.

Maybe the patient doesn’t like turkey?

“That’s absolutely preposterous,” Draper responded, dismissing our radical thought.  “Everybody loves turkey and every patient loves turkey sandwiches.  Even vegetarians love turkey sandwiches.  Clearly this man is dying, there’s no other explanation for it.”

Palliative Care has been consulted.  Draper and Hammock are preparing for a fourth LP.

We will continue to provide updates as we receive them, but we ask everyone out there reading this to keep Jerry Hammock in your thoughts.  Please pray that he will one day love turkey sandwiches again.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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