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CDC: Talking About Scabies Can Give You Scabies

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ATLANTA, GA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has some unfortunate news for everyone: Talking about scabies can actually give you scabies.

“You know how just talking about scabies makes you want to scratch your entire body until it all goes away?” commented Director of the CDC Triple R or Robert R. Redfield, scratch marks evident on his arms and hands. “Well, turns out scabies can be transmitted conversationally. Our worst fears have come true.”

This is bad news for health care professionals who have taken care of patients with scabies and have subsequently felt itchy despite following appropriate contact precautions. If you can catch scabies just by talking, then contact isolation gowns aren’t going to do jack. Ugh.

“If you find yourself within earshot of a conversation about scabies, whether or not you’re directly involved in the conversation, seek treatment immediately. First-line treatments include permethrin or ivermectin,” RRR advised, using a back scratcher to get those pesky Sarcoptes scabiei between his shoulder blades. “And don’t forget to use hot water to wash all clothing and bedsheets.”

CDC expects to release scabies prevention guidelines centered on a two-pronged approach: hygiene and never saying the word “scabies” aloud ever again. Like ever.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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