WORLD 3-2 – It looks like the cumulative lifetime effect of punching bricks has finally caught up to our favorite plumber: In an attempt to find 1-Up mushrooms and bank some extra lives, Super Mario has shattered all 27 bones in his left hand.
“It’s not good, it feels like a bag of worms, a term that’s okay when you’re referring to varicoceles in a scrotum, but not a person’s hand,” said World 3-2 hand surgeon, Dr. Toad. “Seriously. He effed it up. Like big time. Not even an Invincibility Star can fix that.”
Super Mario was found under a pile of bricks, screaming at the top of his lungs. Game characters called for help.
“Initially we thought it was his head and that we were going to need a neurosurgeon,” explained one of the nearby Koopa Troopas. “Thankfully it was his hand. Sure, his hand is a mess – I heard 27 bones broken? – but at least Mario’s brains aren’t splattered over Mushroom Kingdom.”
The Koopa Troopa alludes to a very common misconception among those in Mushroom Kingdom and videogamers alike: that Mario breaks the bricks with his head.
“Of course he’s not breaking bricks with his head, even if he did that once he’d have some sort of intraparenchymal bleed, a broken skull, and some cervical cord damage, and that would be the best-case scenario,” explained World 3-2 neurosurgeon Dr. Goomba. “Just the thought of it sends shivers up my spine.”
Though Super Mario wears white gloves, they’re not protective in any capacity. They’re just plain, white latex gloves. He wears them in case he needs to pause his quest to emergently unclog a toilet.
Unfortunately for fans of the Super Mario francise, our beloved Mario will be out on FMLA for the indefinite future.