WORLD 7-2, MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Beloved Italian hero and plumber Super Mario is currently in critical condition at an area World 7-2 hospital after he mistakenly consumed a deadly Amanita mushroom during a routine quest to save his girlfriend Princess Toadstool. The Amanita mushroom is one of the world’s most deadliest mushrooms and is responsible for over 95% of mushroom fatalities.  For someone who’s lifeblood relies on mushrooms, this is a real tragedy.

Someone check Mario's HGH!
Someone check Mario’s HGH!

“He was making record progress, had over fifty coins with time to spare,” states a World 7-2 Goomba.  “This is a huge blow to the Kingdom.”

Two days ago, Super Mario had successfully conquered World 6-3.  Towards the end of the level, he headbutted a brick with a question mark to reveal a symmetric white cap mushroom with a large bulbous base and free gills.  Though initially suspicious of its appearance, Mario consumed the mushroom anyway, thinking it was a variant of the usual 1-Up mushrooms.

The next day, while in World 7-1, Lakitu, Buzzy Beetle, and multiple Koopa Troopas noted that Super Mario was struggling despite being armed with the Fire Flower.  He was barely able to jump, his fireballs fizzled out quickly, and he vomited several times into nearby Warp Pipes.

It was today in World 7-2 that Super Mario’s health took a turn for the worst.

“I’ve never seen jaundice, but he was jaundiced,” said a World 7-2 Jumpin’ Piranha Plant.  “Then he became confused, thinking he was Princess.  A few minutes later, he had a full-blown seizure.  Urine and coins everywhere.”

The game was paused.

World 7-2 paramedics transported Super Mario to their local hospital.  Mario had shrunk in size.  Worried about his inability to take another hit, Mario was intubated and sent to the intensive care unit (ICU).  He underwent gastric lavage with activated charcoal and was started on N-acetylcysteine, Keppra, lactulose, and aggressive IV fluids.  Mario’s urine was positive for amatoxin.

Mario has battled with migraines and arthritis, the cumulative effect of headbutting bricks and jumping on enemies for decades, but has otherwise been healthy.  This will be Mario’s toughest fight to date.  To make matters worse, there has been a shortage of Star power-ups in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Mario remains encephalopathic and his liver enzymes continue on the upward trend.  Luigi, Mario’s brother and medical power of attorney, states his brother is a fighter and remains a full code.  A family meeting was held with Luigi, Yoshi, and Mario’s medical team as Mario is truly on the clock.  They are currently considering transfer to a World 4-3 hospital that has liver transplant capabilities.  Princess Toadstool has not been present as she is currently being held captive by King Koopa.

“He’s the humblest guy, a true hero,” says friend Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sonic the Hedgehog has opened up a foundation for those who wish to donate coins, rings, or checks, which will be collected and given to Mario and his family to help pay for their accruing hospital bills.

For now, the music has stopped as everyone prays for Mario’s recovery.

All of the castles in Mushroom Kingdom have lowered their flags to half-staff in honor of Super Mario.

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.