audible sighs world record world-record

M.D. on World-Record Pace of 15 Audible Sighs Per Minute

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BOSTON, MA – It’s not uncommon for any person in health care to be within earshot of a tired or exasperated colleague sighing with defeat. But infectious diseases (ID) fellow Joanna Johnson is on a world-record pace, currently emoting an average of 15 audible sighs per minute.

“Yeah, sure, it’s concerning because she’s sleep-deprived and exhausted, but it’s also exciting because – look at her! – I’ve never seen anyone yawn like this, it’s incredible!” said nurse Aarav Agarwal, noting how she seemed numb to her pager’s ear-piercing alerts. Sources report Johnson was 12 new consults behind.

The current world record for average audible sighs per minute is 13, averaged over 4 hours. The world-record pace is not held by any one health care professional but shared by 2 million different health care professionals across all practices and specialities.

Johnson’s colleagues are starting to slowly gather in her proximity over this potentially momentous occasion.

“My nurse friend Erica is one of the world record holders,” explained hospitalist Dr. James Olsen, who was actively trying to suppress a sigh before we asked his opinion. “Stupid me, instead of watching Erica set the record, I went to a family meeting instead. I missed the record. I regret the decision to this day. Not today. Not again. This is too important. I need to support her.”

Olsen added: “Just look at Joanna. What a champ. Those sighs are so defeated, you can feel the ground rumble. You can see she’s hurting. She’s got this record in the bag.”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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