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New IV Pumps Have Silence Button Lasting 24 Hours

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GREENVILLE, SC – Hailing it as 2019’s best new medical invention, a new IV pump by Shmalaris is like any other competitor’s IV pump except it offers one major feature the others don’t: a Silence button that lasts 24 hours.

Out on pre-order as of yesterday, the Shmalaris pump sold out, the company reports, “a bajillion” pumps in less than 10 minutes.

“We knew the demand would be high, but not this high!” exclaimed Shmalaris spokesperson Eileen Crawford, who has been happily pulling overtime . “Our team could not be more grateful from all the support, particularly from nurses and doctors.”

Doctors, who are notoriously inept at using IV pumps, are beyond thrilled with what they call a revolutionary product. “The days of pressing the Silence button and finding the nurse are over,” said hospitalist Jeffrey Corea, who now can focus his energy on how to operate a hospital bed. “Now I can press the Silence button and walk away until tomorrow. That’s just fantastic!”

Nurses will find the day-long Silence button a boon to their bedside management, especially when they’ve appropriately troubleshot a beeping IV pump and still can’t figure out what is setting it off.

“Between the Ativan diffuser, call lights with lockout intervals, and these new Shmalaris pumps, nursing just reached a whole new bar of awesome,” joked American Nurses Association spokesperson Erica Jewell, who personally has ordered 50,000 of the pumps. “Seriously, how has this not been invented until now?!”

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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